Forgiving Myself

People in general always have something they have to forgive themselves for. Of course some people have bigger issues to forgive in themselves than others. I always have little things I need to forgive. Like if I yell at someone for no reason other then being upset or in bad mood. Or when I know something has to get done but I am too tired or feeling blah to want to do it. Over time I do forgive myself for these small transgressions.

However there is one huge "thing" that I will probably never be able to forgive myself for. I am not going to go into detail as to what it is because even though I am an open book this is just way to personal and sad for me. Only 3 people know about it and soon I am thinking of telling Jessica and Amber my two only true friends. The reason for not telling people is many. I feel some will not understand how much it hurts, others will be too sad, and then more will brush it off and say there is always next time.

I also feel like it was my fault, and although it might have happened anyways I still and will always all the what ifs? in my head. My heart hurts everyday and it has changed me completely. When something you want to badly is taken from you and knowing that somehow it could have been your fault, how do you ever deal with that? Or even start to get over it?

I want so badly to tell my mother, grandmother, and a few other people, but I can't. I am a coward and do not want to face it again. It is buried deep within my heart and soul. I try to keep it deep within, but when I see others in the same situation I was in but they get what I wanted I hate that person. I know it is not their fault but my head screams how unfair it is and how much better I would be.

I can not even write anymore because everything is coming back, like a recurring nightmare that won't go away. I'm sorry Avery..