My grandmother on my father's side has been a jw for over 30 years she has 5 sons and only my father is a jw. he was not when he was a teenager that is when he meant,married my mom, and had me and my sister. when I was around 5 he started becoming active again and became baptized, he would study with us but my mother never really let us go to meetings...anyways eventually he left again and then my parents got divorced when I was around 9/10 about 2 years after this he once again became active (he was never disfellowshipped) eventually when i was 12 I started studying and going to meetings,I LOVED IT but my mother had custody of me and she let me go and all but it put a rift between us, I was trying to live a godly life in an ungodly house but the friends and my father always told me to stay strong and I did....
when I was 14 I was baptized I thought I had it all, I was a pioneer, I was loved by all, I had sisters there that basically replaced my mother. I was happy I had crushes on all the Patterson brothers (we live in ct and they would be in our congregation)I loved the life I was leading,even in high school I didn't care that i had no friends there because I had not only my brothers and sisters but Jehovah on my side. then when i turned 16 everything changed,I got a job and meant a boy. of course I developed a crush on him and eventually we kissed and started dating, I never had sex with him however we did do other things such as groping but it never really went any farther than that...
I made the mistake of telling own my best friends she told the elders, during this time I was not going to meetings because i was feeling go guilty and i was also cutting myself. one day my father called and said joe and larry(2 elders and joe was my dads best friend) wanted to talk with me, I agreed during this meeting they acted very concerned I told them everything!!! every little detail right in front of my father, I told them how confused I felt and how grayling (my boyfriend) was a good person, he didn't swear, he respected me, he was 18 and was also a virgin, and honestly he would pass very well as a jw, they asked me to choose I told them again and again I felt confused but that I wanted to go to meetings still but I felt like I needed time to think and pray about all this he was my first boyfriend, kiss,etc.
I wanted both but they didn't let me choose they made the choice for me, they said they had to discuss somethings for a few minutes and came back and told me I was disfellowshipped, I was in tears begging why, they said too many of the young people in the congregation knew about it and they had to set an example.......I was 16 a baby, that day I lose it all my father my friends my whole life. I had become my worse fear a worldly person. my mom tried to help me,my boyfriend was there for me but I was never the same.
I am 21 now and it all still hurts I am still with my boyfriend but there is a huge hole in my heart, I have no friends because I always only had jw friends. I feel like an outcast. my father and grandmother keep in touch but my father never even came to my high school graduation and I am his first born...my grandmother is more understanding then he is,when he calls he makes me feel so guilty. part of me wants it all back but another part of me feels so betrayed I ask myself all the time why would Jehovah turn his back on me? since leaving I never got into all things they always warn you about like drugs, alcohol,bad friends, ect. I still think I am a good person my father says I feel guilty because it is my conscience but even after all these years i don't know why I feel the way I feel. I question so much now, I have not joined any other faith..but i still want to believe in something. It sucks feeling like this.
