Pre OP Weeks 1-3

Day One
Started out fine ( I am not normally hungry in the mornings) I was craving steak all day, I think because on Saturday we went to Texas Roadhouse. Overall the shakes are not too bad, the chicken broth I had with my dinner shake was amazing. During the night is hard as my stomach is cramping wants food on it, but I had a sugar free jello to help ease the pain.

Emotionally I am feeling very jaded and almost zombie like. Just doing what I have to do without thinking too much about it. 3 weeks seems so long right now and I am hoping after the first few days it will get easier.

Day Two
Depressed. Fuck my life.

Days 3-4
Finally feeling better. I was depressed and sad. It is strange how food or lack thereof makes our emotions crazy. I was also excited to learn that I can have mushrooms! Yes, I am getting excited over fungus.  Had my pre-op visits and all was well. They want me to lose between 25-30lbs before surgery. Thus far, I have lost 9lbs.

Days 5-7
I have been having up and downs some days are easier than others. It is crazy how emotional this is.

Days 8-21
Just doing it and getting by...

This was written a few weeks ago. Since then I have had surgery and am doing well. More updates coming soon. 


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Before Being Sleeved

I have a surgery date. February 8th, 2016. This date seems perfect in so many ways. I love even numbers and 02-08-16 is wonderful to my OCD number thing. Monday I start my pre-op diet and this consists of 3-4 protein shakes a day, chicken broth, non-starchy veggies and that is pretty much it for 3 weeks. This is going to suck balls, but I want this change so I am going to suck it up and do it.

Emotionally right now I am excited I am sure as surgery gets closer I will feel scared and nerves and somewhat miserable from the pre-op diet. ButI just need to take it one day at a time and one minute at a time if need be.

I am most anxious about having the surgery in the middle of my semester. I am taking 4 classes and missing a weeks worth is going to be a bitch. But I should be ok with catching up on work and I hope my professors are understanding.

I will be posting weekly updates on my progress starting Monday and if anyone who has had this procedure and has any tips please feel free to comment or if you just have questions about it please leave them :)

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20 Vs. 30

In less than 3 years time I will be 30. Aside from the fact that this means I am kinda almost an adult, it makes me reflect on how my 20's have shaped the person I am today and how I am such a different person from when I was 20. I know the majority of people feel this way and in truth we all grow and change throughout our lives, but most people tend to have the same core beliefs throughout and in my case almost all my beliefs did an 180. I am sure I will write more about my thoughts as I approach the big 30, but for now here is a little breakdown of who I was and who I am.

Religion
20: I was between being agnostic and an atheist. I was pretty lost when it came to beliefs and was more than confused.
Now: I am an atheist. Do I still ponder the unknown? All the time, but I am confident in what I believe and what science tells me.

Abortion
20: Very anti-choice
Now: Pro-choice all the way. No if's an's or but's,

Other People
20: I was very opinionated. Enough so to push people away.
now: Still opinionated, but I have learned when and who to express my views too. Also, I find that letting other's have their opinions and not worrying about it, makes me a happier person.

Kids
20: Wanted 4 kids at least 2 before 30 and was going to be a cool mom.
Now: I still want 4 kids and have 1-2 before 35 and I want to be a good mom.

Myself
20: Did not like myself, did not think I deserved much.
Now: starting to like myself and I know I deserve the best, but it is up to me to provide the best.


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An Open Letter To My Father

Paul,

When you asked to be back in our lives I was quite hesitant. When mom told me that you had talked her about getting back into contact with Barb and I she assured me that she talked with you at length, not only about what you did to use when you abandoned us but how we over came and are now truly happy with our lives. 

She told you about our accomplishments and how even though we both had some rough years, we both have become successful people. Not just materially, but emotionally as well. For me, personally, it took almost a decade to get over the hurt you put me through. In a way, my sister was lucky because you left her long before me and so she did not have the attachment that I had to you. In my early twenties, I was an angry person. I was depressed and anxious, ended up quitting school and was just lost. Over time and with the help of my now husband and family I found my way and I lost that angry side of me. It still pops up from time to time, but I have control over it now. 

So needless to say when mom talked to me about a possible relationship, my biggest fear was opening old wounds and being hurt again. I did not want to go back to my old self, and I could not let that angry person arise once more. She told me she truly thought you had changed. You had some health issues that made you reflect on your life and you told her that you would not do this again and that all you wanted was us in your life. 

When we all sat down and talked that night Barb and I expressed from our hearts how we felt. I am sure it was not easy for you to hear, but you took it in stride and you knew that to us, Josh would always be our dad. He was the one there for us and the one who helped and supported us. You also said that nothing would come between us not your wife, not your religion. These were you exact words and I even brought up the whole disfellowshipping issue and you said " you have your beliefs, I have mine and it will be set aside." After hours of talking Barb and I believed you. She was more cautious than I was, but I think she had hope. I am the type of person who is either all in or all out, so for me at that point, I was all in.

You called me almost every day, told me you loved me and wanted to learn about mine and my husband's life. I was sold. I truly thought you were a changed person. When we all went out for breakfast you wanted to make plans to hang with your son-in-laws, your act had as all fooled.After a week and a 1/2 you went back on your word.

All of a sudden because the "wonderful" elders got into your simple-minded head, you decided that since I wanted nothing to do with your religion, that you wanted nothing to do with me. You said that you should have " thought this through more" even though you claimed to have been thinking about this for "years". When confronted you said that I had "consequences for my actions" like a "murder" has for theirs. 

You told me that you could not hang out with me or talk to me, but to know that you loved me. Not true, Paul, not true at all. Actions speak louder than words and I was not the one forcing you to choose between me and your child and your faith, that was your cult asking that of you. You thought that Barb would still want to have a relationship with you. In all honesty, I would never stop her for having one with you if that is what she wanted. I did of course, disclose to her what happened and we talked about it, she made the choice on her own and when she talked you and told us we are a package deal, and you cannot choose which child to "parent" I was so proud of her.

Not only did she stand up for me, but she did something that I should have done years ago when you did what you did to her. As she said, you got to see a glimpse into our lives and that is all you will have from this point forward. There is not a third chance for you. I will not be hurt again and honestly this is your loss. We have done great things in life and will continue to do so. We will have kids that will have all the love in the world and you will not be a part of that. You have already missed our graduations, weddings, etc. So why would we be hurt that you will miss the rest? 



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Because All I Have Time For Is Updates

No I am not pregnant. However I do have some good news, but before I get to it I want to do a little catching up, since I have not updated since May!

School is going amazing. I am applying to the nursing program in January and figures crossed if I get in, I will be an RN in 2018! I took my TEAS and although I did not study whatsoever I need very well and will be taking them again to try and up my score even more. I am almost done with Chemistry and English Lit. and next semester I will be taking Microbiology, medical ethics, digital photography (LOL), and possibly communications if there is an opening!

G and I are doing great and we got a new baby kitty! Charlotte Grace is now 4 1/2 months old and a holy terror! She is crazy, but we love her and she is our baby.

I have had a few rough weeks, although I will not get into them here in this particular post to try and keep it upbeat somewhat, although I do plan on writing about it soon. I still also need time to reflect and gage my emotion of said topic.

Now onto the big news that will also include its more in depth post. I have decided to get gastric sleeve surgery. It is something I have been thinking about for a long time and now is the right time for me. I have all ready done all my pre-op requirements (aside from one last nut visit) and will being have the procedure end of January/early February. Needless to say I am nervous, excited, and did not realize how much of an emotional journey this has become. But as I said I will be posting more in the future about this.

I am excited to be getting on track in all areas of my life and really starting to push to make my goals and dreams come true. It may have taken me longer than some others, but I am doing it and it is never to late to change your life.


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Goodbye & Hello

The past few weeks have been a whirl wind. I am, as of today finished with school until late August, which is great, but also amounted to a stressful few weeks. In the midst of school, gym, taking care of the house and the babes, G and I had to make the choice to put our beautiful, beloved Vester to sleep. 

It was not an easy choice, but our baby was suffering. He was 15 years old, had a lot of health problems, and although he normally bounced back from them all, I knew this time was different. He was getting so skinny and I could just tell his time was coming. I feel with everything going on I have not had time to process that my boy is gone. I still see him out of the corner of my eye sleeping in the chair, I swear I still hear his notable " quietest meow in the world" when I am sitting in the living room. 

The first night I dreamt of him and I feel like it was a way for us to truly say goodbye. The whole experience was heartbreaking and that is the worse part of being a fur mommy, we do not get to outlive our children. 

About a week later I found a new little buddy. Mind you, like people I don't believe animal's can be replaced. Penny is a guinea pig. A friend of mine was looking for a good home for her, and being the animal person I am, I, of course, volunteered. I have never had a piggy before and thought they were more like a hamster or gerbil, in reality they are smart, affectionate, funny little babies! I would compare them to a cross between a bun and a cat! 

Penny is very sweet, after a few days of getting to know her (she is 2 months old), I fell in love and I think she did too, as she likes to sing to me! In the coming days, now that I have more time on my hands, I am sure I will post a ton more about her. 

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5 Reasons Not Having Kids Is The Best

I want to be a mom someday, and I love reading blogs written by moms. However, sometimes it feels like the blog world is run by mom blogs and I can honestly say I have seen 100's of " Best things about being a mom" posts. These are wonderful to read and someday I am sure I will write one as well. But, for now here is my " Best things about not being a mom" post,

1: Me time
I get all the me time in the world! G works nights, so this means when he is at work I get to have the whole king size bed to myself and read or watch TV or play with the buns. Honestly, it is the best.

2: My husband and "fur" babies come first
Once you have kids everyone/thing comes second. This is, of course, how it should be, but for right now I get to focus all my attention on my wonderful husband and babies. I get to shower my babies with all the love in the world and when G is off from work, it is all about us.

3: I can focus on my goals
I have huge plans. Aside from being an amazing photographer, I also want to become an APRN ( nurse practitioner) In all reality, if children were in the picture it would be near damn impossible to reach this goal. I am 26 right now and I have roughly 5-7 years of schooling left. I commend anyone who is in school and has kids, but for me I hope it will be an extra boost for my future.

4: Doing things without thinking
OMG when you have children, everything is a project! If you want to go to the store, you have to either have someone to watch them or pack them up and take them with you. No freaking thank you! I love being able to make plans, go out, or even just go into the next room without worrying about a child.

5: Sleep
I love to sleep. Seriously I LOVE TO SLEEP! I do not understand how parents get by with so little rest. I need like 10 hours asleep a day, not including a nap! Which I love too by the way! So for right now I am enjoying all the sleep while I can. From what I hear, even when kids start to sleep on their own, you still wake up to check on them and shit. Nope!
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Why I Do Not Need God In My Marriage

Recently, I have read a number of article on marriage some of them have been great! Other's not so much. The later I am referring to are those whose points were based on religious reasoning. I am just going to come out and say it: I do not need god in my marriage. With this being said, I am not judging those who feel that religion has made their relationship stronger, nor am I saying my views are better than others. This is just what works for us and although I am an atheist and G is a catholic we do not let religion dictate what kind of relationship we have.

We are all each other needs
G and I do not need an ( IMO) unreal deity, or an ancient book telling us how our marriage should run. We believe in each other. All the hard times we survived has been because of our love for each other and not with "god's help".

Our differences make us stronger
Now, if you are a hardcore Christian then by all means marry another hardcore Christian. G believes in god and I respect him. We have great conversations about faith, evolution, how we will raise our kids, etc. There are certain issues we bump heads on, but honestly I cannot imagine being in a relationship where we were exactly alike, that just sounds boring!

If things get that bad we will divorce
A lot of times in these articles it will say something along the lines of " You both agree divorce is not an option" Now I am not going to go divorce my hubby if we are going through a rough patch, but believe me, if it got bad enough I would file. By bad I mean fighting 24/7 and not effecting each other in a positive way. I firmly believe sometimes two people are better apart than together, even if they love each other or if there are children involved.


Not going to submit myself to my husband
Sorry, but there is no way I could ever " let my husband take the lead and submit to him". We are a team. We both give 100% to the marriage, we both compromise, and we respect each other.
Neither one of us is the "boss" we figure out problem's together.








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Cadavers and Cushing

For my AP 2 ( and 1) class, we have an amazing professor. He pretty much knows all the big names in the medical community and even taught the president of MD Anderson in Texas! He also use to work at Yale and became great friends with " Mr. Anatomy" who teaches AP to the med students. So we got to go on on a trip to Yale and see cadavers!

Now, obviously we were not allowed to take photos in the cadaver lab, but let me tell you how surreal it is to touch and see a real human being. Well, let me kind of rephrase, since many of us have seen and felt bodies of loved ones who have passed. We got to see INSIDE a real person.

The body we saw was that of a 49-year-old man who died from a brain tumor. So he was fairly young and that alone was tough to experience. I am so thankful he chose to donate his body because it was truly an amazing learning experience and for me at least a once in a lifetime opportunity.

The two best parts of the dissection for me was seeing and holding 1/2 his face because that was the part that made him "real" to me. I held his face and stroked his eyelashes, I will always remember that moment. The second best part for me was holding his brain. As I was holding this amazing, heavy, slippery organ I realized this is what was him. This 3lb organ held his memories, hopes, dreams, personality, everything that made him, him. It was honestly breathtaking.

We also received a private tour of the Cushing Brain museum, which I of course. got photos of. This was another great experience. The brains were all in jars and there were 100's of them lining the walls, along with photos, drawers of skeletal remains and medical equipment.

The whole experience was amazing and it truly reinvigorated my love for medicine.

Cushing was an amazing artist and drew a ton of medical related pieces.
Cushing


Cushing

A drawer of fetal skulls, ranging from 14 weeks to full term
Cushing

A brain cross-section
Cushing

This person suffers from a condition that causes these folds of skin to appear on his head,
Cushing


Cushing

It is amazing to see the patient's names and death date on their brain specimens.
Cushing

A photo of a nurse and child who is suffering from hydrocephalus.
Cushing

More brain slides
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Cushing's surgery tools.
Cushing

A very aggressive tumor known as a glioblastoma
Cushing

Not the same patient, but the same condition
Cushing

The skeleton of a man suffering from a pituitary tumor that causes his ribs and libs to be extra large.
Cushing

Lots of brains!
Cushing

A Meningioma is a tumor that grows from the covering of the brain. Or brain "sac"
Cushing


Cushing

Progeria, a disease that causes children to age rapidly.
Cushing

Cushing

Although this skeleton looks huge, it is actually that of a newborn and is quite small
Cushing


Cushing


Cushing


Cushing
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Buns & Brawls

Most of the time is is wonderful, aside from all the poop, cleaning, and basically carrying for the equivalent of newborns! Please remember buns are NOT low-maintenance animals, nor are they cage animals.
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Last night was pretty interesting. We had a bunny brawl. Mama was running around our bedroom, Pella and Paci who were in their crate was not too thrilled with her going up to them and exploring, so they ( Pella and Paci) started to fight each other! Mind you Pella is disabled and she ended up with a big gash below her nose, me being the mama I am, jumped into the crate and broke it up and ended up the most beat up....


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What I Read In 2015 Thus Far

I have read about 10 books so far this year and frankly none of them really stood out. There have been some good ones, but nothing like Game Of Thrones or Cinder.

A couple of the better ones have been Throne of Glass, which is about an assassin who is given the chance or freedom by competing in a "king's tournament". While in general it is a great, exciting read, there were points that you just said " really?" Also, the names of the characters are a bitch to pronounce. Then there is Antigoddess. This is the best book of the bunch. It is fast paced, fun, and plus has lot of greek mythology in it. My only real problem with this book, as with many other books that deal with very "old" characters is the way these gods and goddesses act like normal teenagers. You are suppose to be thousands of years old act like it!

Some of the major flops are Insanity. Which I was really looking forward to reading! The jumping back and forth drove me crazy and the characters were not well developed. Also Pillars of the Earth.I know this is a high one on many people's list, but for me I could not get into the story. I felt it was too ...well to be frank boring. Let's hope these books get better!

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On Being 26 & In School

So being a mid twentysomething in school has its ups and downs. On the up side, I feel like an adult when I am in class with 18-year-olds. It is honestly kind of funny to see what their versions of problems are and how I am so glad I am past that phase of life. You know what I mean, the whole "woe is me" and everything and nothing is the end of the world.

On the down side, I am kinda mad that I didn't just finish school the first time. When I was their age. I went through a lot of depression in my late teens and early twenties. I wish I had the strength then to just push through it and " make something of myself". But then again if I never went through that time in my life, maybe I never would have found my love for photography and books, or maybe I would have been a horrible nurse because I could not empathize well with others?

Who's to really say what would be different if I had made it through the first time, I do know this: I am now in a place where I know who I want to be. I realize I can be an amazing photographer and eventually an amazing nurse as well. through my photography business I have learned that hard work pays off, how to treat people, and most importantly how to be kind.
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It's Been Awhile

Hello everyone in blog land, it has been quite awhile since I lasted posted and frankly a lot has changed. The biggest change being that I am in school! I started last fall and am working towards my RN and after that I plan on getting my BSN and APRN. It is going to be a long road, but I know it will be worth it in the end.

Last semester I took AP1, Computer software, and Algebra. This semester I am taking AP2, Psychology 201, and Sociology 101. Thus far, I am doing well in all my classes. I will do another post to elaborate further, but for now just wanted to let you know I am still alive!


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Update

Still no car... Waiting for our check to come in. Also, we are going to be getting a Toyota Matrix, instead of the PT. 
I had my first official first moments hospital session this week and have some big news coming in a few months.... No I am not pregnant. BUT here is a small clue.

Birthday Blues

I have been trying to write this post for almost a week now. I hate when I have bad things happen ( who does?) and sometimes writing about them, makes it all real again. As always my birthday was filled with bad fortune. G and I got into a huge fight the morning of, and although we made up I was still pretty pissed.

I spent the day feeling sorry for myself and just thinking how old 26 sounds. That night I literally laid in my bed and thought to myself "this day is finally over." Or so I thought... G informed me via the phone that on the way to work he got into an accident. The first words out of my mouth were " are you okay?" He was, and I proceeded to scream at him. Not my best moment, but I don't think I have ever been that upset. I know now what people mean when they say "my blood is boiling". I swear I could feel my blood pressure raising.

He ended up in the hospital with a sprained thumb and bruised ribs. Our car was totaled. Looking back I feel horrible about exploding like I did. It was an accident and he was scared. I should have been on the phone telling him it was going to be okay and not to worry about anything. Lesson learned on my part.

We ended up going to look at new cars. Originally we picked out a PT Cruiser, after hearing from everyone how crappy they are and how we need something good in the snow, we decided on a Toyota Matrix. It is a really nice car, great on gas, all wheel drive, and fully loaded. I also told G that since this one does not come with a few of the features are Saturn had, he is adding them in for me to make up for the accident!

So here is our new baby, I name all my cars so I am currently thinking of a good one!


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Another Year

It's My Birthday. 26. I really think after a certain age we need to stop celebrating them. For me they are nothing to celebrate. I am another year older, another year closer to my impending departure. Today I get to stay in bed, be depressed, and no one can say anything about it because it is "my special day". Also cake.

I do have a few goals for my 26th, technically 27th year. I want to take better care of myself, enjoy life ( except on my birthdays), and get pregnant.  

Yes I know this is the most depressing post in the world, but hey it's how I feel and it's my birthday I can cry if I want too.